“I cried. At least once a day … No, I wasn’t suffering from depression. Nor did I have a chronic eye watering condition. I was homeschooling.”
When I first read that at Simple Homeschool, it totally described how I was feeling in those days. I was crying everyday. Usually in the evenings, when the toll of 11-12 hours non-stop caregiving duties towards three young children was seriously breaking me down.
Even when nothing went wrong, when none of the kids were misbehaving, I was in tears. Just because I was so tired. I would be bathing the boys and my tears would flow. The boys would ask me, “Mummy, are you sad/angry?” and I would reply, “No, mummy is just very tired.”
When things did go wrong, I had no strength, mental or physical, to handle it. I would think, “It’s so near bedtime, so near the end of the (work)day, why now? Why does it have to go wrong now? Why do the kids have to be naughty now? Why why why???” It’s like, it felt worse being so near yet so far.
Fortunately, I am out of the gloom now. I made some changes to our routine, and I am not crying everyday anymore. But as the sole caregiver of three children below five years old from 8am to 8pm on most weekdays, exhaustion and tears are common. But I remind myself that this is what I want, this is how I want my life to be, this is how I want my children’s lives to be.
I want my children to be homeschooled for the preschool years.
I want my children to grow up without a domestic helper.
I want my house to be clean and tidy.
I want my children to have outdoor time everyday.
I want them to do hands on activities.
I want to cook good food for them.
And I am very lucky that my hubby gives in to me on most things and that he is able to support the family financially, allowing me to make the above choices.
Reminding myself everyday of the reasons for my choices, and to be strong for my children.